It began with my mom forcing her way into the bathroom. “Here. I brought you the razor.” She wouldn’t leave until I shaved my armpits and my face. She glared while I was crying, it didn’t matter that I was shaking. Her eyes told me that I was disgusting. The rest of her face froze, scrunched in her anger and her second-hand embarrassment. Part of her seemed hurt. like I was rejecting her. All because I couldn’t pretend to like it when she would offer to take me to get a wax. I was 18, deeply closeted and getting ready for prom.
I am 24 now and people still have problems with the hair on my face and body. I am a non-binary trans person who has always been somewhat hairy. I’m fat and pre-op and don’t look to pass in any binary way.
I got my haircut a few months ago. When my hairdresser posted a video of me online a slew of strangers were alarmed about the state of my body and the hair on my face. Mostly cis right-wingers and a few “well-meaning” queer people joined forces to speculate about my facial hair.
They wondered why didn’t I wasn’t given a shave at the end of the haircut and if I knew how ridiculous my chin hair looked. The transphobic peanut gallery was full of implications that I am oblivious to just how unattractive I am. The queer people who aimed to come to my defense (I guess) attributed my facial hair to me “just being early in transition.” They asked that people be “gentler” with me as I must not get how to be a Man yet. The second-hand embarrassment was palpable – I was 18 in the bathroom with my mom again.
The concept of “passing” is pushed onto people of trans experience.It’s actively harmful that “passing” is propped up as something all of should aspire to. The ability to “pass” through medical transition is a major privilege given medical discrimination, insurance barriers, prohibitive costs, and gatekeeping through required medical referrals (Tabaac 2, 2020). Too many forms of discrimination are embedded within the medical industrial complex and in the world at large. Compounding forms of marginalization impact working class trans people of color navigating healthcare access. The 2010 National Transgender Discrimination Survey found that 26.1% of trans people of color experienced cissexism in medical settings, relative to 18.5% of white trans people (Agénor et. al, 2, 2022). As a white queer person of intergenerational wealth, the privileges I hold articulate historical injustice and inequality ingrained within the dominant social, political, and economic structures. Privilege has made it easier for me to access care and resources throughout my transition.
Trans medicalism aims to squash gender diversity and impedes trans liberation. Not all trans people are interested in pursuing medical transition at all – that should be normalized and uplifted. Medical transitioning cannot be how people’s transness is measured.
There is no “right” way to be trans. Nobody should police when and how one experiences gender euphoria and/or dysphoria. I’ve even had other trans people talk about me and tell friends I am “not really trans” because I don’t bind my chest. I don’t feel obligated to share why to prove my transness. Trans people don’t need to justify their presentation to be seen and accepted.
I see the hair on my face and my large unbound body. I see how you see me and I still feel embodied in my trans identity. I like my facial hair. My little hairs, my long hairs, my brown shadow of a mustache. The brown red blond hairs on my chin make me feel good. My hairs grow and I grow too. I will keep growing and I will keep living and I will try loving myself down to my last straggliest strand of hair.
Small-mindedness cannot not hurt me anymore. I laugh at them laughing at me. People can call me and my patchy face whatever they’d like. I have love in my life that spills out whenever I’m close to my chosen family. We have each other's backs. I have my own back too.
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